that hole in your heart…

losing molly inspired this necklace, but really it’s about so much more.  it encompasses hurts from all of my life.  but  this hole in my heart?  it has grown a lot lately.  this year has brought so much loss.   i’ve lost things that should never be lost, things that should always be counted as constants.  i’ve struggled so much, and although i keep telling you i am doing okay, it has been the hardest year of my life.

however, as we all know, with loss and pain comes growth and learning. this year has brought its fair share of that as well. so much searching and seeking and reflecting. so much questioning and facing and allowing. the little sun around the hole is for that.

 i had a wonderful counselor in college, colin.  he taught me many beautiful things, but the thing that always stuck with me the most is when he told me that old hurts, things that you carry around with you in a box inside yourself, that’s like carrying a box of shit around inside of you.  but if you let that shit out of the box, it makes really fantastic compost, and who knows what can grow from it?  (i once wrote a poem with a line “…shit’s out of the box, no garden yet…”)  this necklace is about that too.  your old holes, the ones you deny, the ones that hurt so much more because you won’t feel them.  what will come if you embrace them?

this necklace is about the things/friends/lovers/family/places/ insert yours here you have lost, the things you can never get back, the things that will forever leave a hole in your life, in your space, in your self, in your heart.  it’s about embracing that hole, fully accepting that it’s there and it ain’t never going nowhere.  and cherishing it for what has come from it, or what it has allowed you to see within you.

i wanted this to be my first cast piece. but unfortunately, my casting equipment is still in all of the boxes it came in. once the renovation started, it seems like everything else stopped. so i made it from pmc instead and i actually think it's perfect. this crack on the back was not intentional. during my first attempt at firing, it sort of exploded. as i was trying to piece it back together and smooth it over with slip, i realized that the cracks went right along with the hole and left them there.

on the back i put this little rabbit that i have been carrying around with me for some time now. i initially bought it because it made me think of hazel and her dear little stuffed bunny, bobby, who goes everywhere with her. but i put it on this necklace because it is a symbol of hope and growth and renewal. a rabbit hopping out of that hole, not hiding within it.

maybe it seems like i’ve mixed metaphors all over the place here.  hearts and holes and rabbits and shit?  but, i know you know what i am trying to say.  this necklace feels so good on my neck.  i keep finding myself absentmindedly stroking it.  the weight of it (it’s heavy) is very grounding to me right now as i am trying to navigate the slippery new path this year has revealed to me.  i’ve always referred to my depression as the (w)hole.  (have i shared that with you before?)  somehow this piece just sums it all up for me.

i think i would like to make another one (or more) for the shop, but i have such an intense connection to this piece and to this idea that i am afraid of putting it out there for sale.  maybe if you really love it and think it’s something that would help you in your life you could comment or send me a message in that box over there ——> and let me know?

i love you guys.  thanks for all of the sweet words and cards and messages about molly.  you’re the best.

postscript:  i wrote all of this last night.  i woke up this morning and realized i should have also told you how i’ve grown this year, what positive changes i’ve seen.  bees knees?  NEVER would have happened a year ago.  i never would have had the courage to get up on that stage before now.  and even writing this post, baring my soul to you this way, i am not afraid to do that now.  i am no longer afraid to be who i am, holes and all.  it is a wonderful thing.